Silence is Golden

I've been busy enjoying my organized and calmer life. I stopped blogging and hadn't logged in for sometime, which might make one wonder. But in this case, it's not a bad sign. I'm in a really good place... not many readers and not much time :) so I took a break from blogging.  Thanks for checking in Northwoman!

I've been doing really well, and feel like I have taken control of several parts of my life that were out of control: anxiety and drinking. Why do I think I am where I am today? My husband is amazingly supportive, I probably should have been taking antidepressants to help control anxiety all along. Also, reading the fabulous blogs of women who had similar challenges to me, who were successful at getting unstuck, is unquestionably instrumental. I know I'll have challenges ahead, but I've crossed a major hurdle. How many days? 82. 

During the first month of not drinking I held out hope that the antidepressants would kick in, but I was nervous, which is not a good place to be for someone who uses alcohol to cope. With support from my husband and my sister I held on. The drugs did eventually help. Now I just don't have that nervous edge any more. I can "talk myself off the ledge" much easier. I'm also more focused on setting myself up for success. Eating well, sleeping well (which has not been easy) and  (when possible) not putting myself into situations that will make me overly anxious. I'm happy and proud of myself, though I do sometimes kick myself for not "getting it together" a decade (or two!) earlier. Onward though! I have potential to do great things.

I ran my half marathon and though, I didn't hit my target time I was happy with the results. I worked hard and pushed through a cold and windy finish. Distance running is definitely a metaphor for life. Yeah, I would have liked the race to end with a "PR" and say "look at me, I'm so strong, I stopped drinking, I'm faster and better." But, we're all flawed, not perfect and mostly, just doing our best sometimes being hit with unexpected obstacles. 

Oysters and Champagne, oh no!

46 days alcohol free and I have to admit yesterday was a tough one, but I made it through and I'm actually kind of proud of myself. Yesterday my son and I went to a Friday afternoon "playdate" at a classmates house. The family lives in a gorgeous home with a fantastic view of the river. The kids are cute, the mom and dad are lovely, funny and fun. While the kids played, the mom and I enjoyed chatting about fitness, school and the challenges of parenting two small kids. Lots of laughter and easy conversation. The kids were a little wild but everyone was relaxed. Really nice.

The dad was working from home and told us once his last call was done he would come and "hang out." Nice guy, great with all the kids. My son thought he was hysterical. Fun times. Pizza is ordered and the dad pulls out oysters and the mom pulls out 3 champagne glasses. OMG. All I want to do is join them in CHAMPAGNE and OYSTERS. That's all I want to do! The scene is what I imagine every time I start drinking. I'm relaxed, fun, glamorous in beautiful surroundings with cool fun people. I had to say "no thanks" to the champagne, but oh the restraint it took. I was so close to just saying, "the Hell with it," it's one glass. What I did find though, is once I said "no thanks" I was able to relax.. no trying to stick to one drink, worrying about drinking too much to drive or worrying that I said something stupid and not quite remembering later. I did it and I'm proud!

Two weeks until my big race. I WILL be 60 days alcohol free on that day. I big milestone for a big day. 5K race this weekend to gauge my training progress.

6 Weeks and Counting. 3 Weeks til Race Day.

I feel like it's time for a post after not having a drink for nearly 6 weeks.  It's been easier than I thought, though I still have times when I feel like not drinking forever isn't so attainable. But this six weeks has been good and I remind myself of that every day. I guess it's a little like marathon running. I'm in it and need to make sure "I finish" at all costs.

My family life (aging parents and small children) is always pretty chaotic. Since I've been on antidepressants and not drinking it's been easier. Why? Not waking up in the middle of the night helps. Not waking up with a hangover helps and just feeling like I'm doing the right think helps too. My husband and my sister know I'm not drinking and they are incredibly supportive, so that helps too. There is a sense of relative calm that I have not had in a long time.

Last night I went out to dinner with my family. My mother, sister and brother in law all had a martini (or two in my mom's case). The hardest part for me is ordering the seltzer. I've realized that once the ordering is over I feel more relaxed. When I wake up feeling good, I'm happy to have abstained. I'm going to start making some "mocktails" in the next little while, so I have something to look forward to at cocktail hour.

People who've known me as a runner are always so surprised that I drank as much as I did. Now that I'm not drinking I feel like a real athlete. I'm treating my body well and the "wine belly" that I was developing has completely gone. I'm toned and in shape. I'm running the NYC Half Marathon  3 weeks from today. I have a fantasy of running a PR (personal record), which would be tough, because my best race was 4 years ago and the aging process is not stopping. I feel like I deserve a "good race" after all the hard work of the past few weeks. I'll keep you posted.

3 Weeks!

Happy to report no 3 weeks and no drinks. I went to a Super Bowl party on Sunday and though everyone was drinking I was able to feel good about soda and water. It was easier because I had to drive and these weren't friends who know how I like to drink. Under normal circumstances I would have a glass of wine early in the evening.

I'm still not sleeping as well as I would like, but much better than if I were drinking. I'm hoping that my anxiety dreams quiet down over time. But generally happy I'm where I am now.

The More Things Change The More Things Change

This morning, though not hung over, I woke up with a headache. Finally past noon, I'm feeling better. I've been thinking about some of the conflicts I've had in my personal relationships in the past few years and wonder if anxiety/alcohol has driven some of them. I'm hard-core "type A." Get me started on a project and I can't let go. This attribute has it's pluses and minuses. My success at managing and organizing several large scale community events, can I'm sure be attributed to this tenacity and drive. However, I tend to bowl people over with my energy and need for perfection. I guess you can say I'm an acquired taste. I want to do things well and get frustrated and hurt when people misunderstand where it all comes from, and there are many who do.

I have some strong supporters who love me, get me and motivate me. I have certainly alienated people unintentionally. Today I found out one of my good friend, P is moving hours away. This is the second close friend this year who's leaving town. I don't like this change. Ironically, the first friend (T) who moved a few weeks ago is also a good runner and a "good" drinker too. I've never discussed drinking with her, but I sense we've got something in common. So, my rational side says it may be easier for me now that she's gone. Won't be tempted into post run/race drinks. We didn't do it often but when we did... well, it was too much. However, it's a loss for me and one I've been mentally preparing for since I found out she was leaving.

My second friend (P), who I organize a big event with will be leaving at the end of the school year. Boo! P. is one of those people who attracts everyone with welcoming enthusiasm. She's a "fan" of some of my talents and a lot of fun to spend time with.  I will miss her dearly.

The departure of my friends and the "loss" of alcohol is a lot to handle all at once. As a manager I used to say, "When any employee leaves, view it as an opportunity to make positive changes in the organization." I'm working on embracing the changes in my life, because change can bring opportunity. I need to be careful though, not to take on more than I can handle right now.

Friday Afternoon Challenges

Today was actually a really good day. I realized after more than two weeks of being AF I finally am not exhausted when I awake up everyday. This is truly motivation for me. I feel so much better. 

One thing I am doing differently this attempt is that I'm taking an SSRI to help with my depression/anxiety. I started the medication about a week after I stopped drinking (so, 10 days ago). I know that the medication takes a few weeks to start working so I'm a bit on pins and needles until then. But knowing that I'm doing something productive (supervised by a professsional!) is helping me through this anxious time.

Friday, right about now, closing in on 6pm is tough though. I'm used to cracking open the bottle of wine and winding down. Tonight I'm sitting with a bowl of cashews to ease my hunger and keep myself busy. 

This weekend I'm scheduled for a 12 mile run and a Super Bowl Party. The run will be much easier than the angst at the party. I'm up for the challenge and maybe I'll even remember the commercials :) 

Have a great weekend!

Sleep

Wow. I haven't slept normally in quite some time. After several glasses of wine, it's quite normal to wake up at 3am and feel like crap (emotionally and physically) and lay awake for several hours, down some water, before eventually drifting off to sleep until it's time to get the kids off to school. Every day I would feel guilty and exhausted about the night before. What a way to live! No more.

Today I actually did wake up at 3, but I didn't feel bad. I fell back to sleep easily and was able to get up cheerfully to send my son and daughter off. I made a new egg recipe that got two thumbs up and sent #1 off to the bus stop, no problem. This was my reward for resisting wine at an art opening last night and having seltzer with a splash of cranberry at dinner. Note to self: They never put a true "splash" in the seltzer. I don't like it, too sweet for me. Gotta find a better alternative. Any suggestions?

It's taken a couple weeks but I can see that the alcohol free existence is already making me feel better, both physically and mentally. I have "quit" before but since I'm serious this time I'm taking note of all the positives and I like them so far. I have to assume that my training will be better too. Looking forward to seeing how the build up to my next big race in late March goes.